Looking back I realize I was bitter and cynical. I had begun to lose myself. I had forgotten all perfect imperfections that surround me in this city I love. I have made many choice that have not only transformed me into the woman I am today, but they also helped me out of what I now see as a very dark place. I also made many choice that led me to that black whole.
On a cold, rainy February night almost two years ago a girlfriend invited me for happy hour on a Friday evening. Had you of told me when I received that text that my life was about to change I would have sucker punched you and called you crazy. At that point I thought I had everything figured out. I had a very unplanned planned life and assumed that I would be moving to New York City when I was 28. The same girlfriend and I made a deal when we were 22... If there was nothing holding us to Raleigh by the time we were 28 then we would pack out bags and head to SoHo, or some other NYC zipcode. When we made that deal I assumed nothing would hold me back.
I walked into Tribeca Tavern in all awkward nervousness assuming I would drink too many beers too quickly to feel comfortable, then start making new friends. The group was small, I knew only one person. The guy at the end of the table was nerdy, cute, funny, and not my type. He asked if he could give me his number...I told him there was not point because I would never call. Yes, I realize I was a bitch, but I was guarded. And he was persistent and somehow or another we managed to publicly, and probably grotesquely, make out for 3 hours that night.
We were slow to start and I was uncertain for a while, but now I realize why people believe in marriage. Why people believe in love. And why it is much easier loving the imperfect. Why the idea of growing old with someone is much more appealing than being a cat lady. Plus, I really dislike cats.
For a long time now I have wondered why I stopped writing. Why every time I opened my book I was not able to write the eloquent words my brain was typing before me. I had analyzed every reason and just chalked it up to not setting side enough time, to working to much, or just being to busy. Every adults excuse for when life gets in the way of well laid plans.
Now I realize it is because I have been happy. Truly, unconventionally, bottom of the stomach laughter happy. Because finally real life is better than any silly little book I could right. Finally, my little imperfect world is absolutely perfect for me. I am not sure when the anger disappeared, but I guess when I got busy learning to be a girlfriend, I also got busy living life rather than being stagnant and dreaming of what life would be like somewhere else. What life would be like if it were no longer my life.
Now I have a photography blog because I want to capture all the joy and laughter that surrounds me. I want to take pictures of my friends when they have those deep belly laughs. I want to take pictures of butterflies and mountains. Pictures of my friends at Christmas and my dog sleeping below me. Pictures of life because pictures are real. Silly little books and writing blogs only date stamp a mere morsel my life. Pictures photo-stamp it.
As I come to a close, I leave with this. I now realize in some weird way he has helped me become the person I am today. That person from May 2011 no longer exist, nor do I recognize that girl. I am not sure who she is or how I became her. That girl sat on the couch and at sherbet all day while this girls goes for photography walks, eats good food, goes to museums, has gone on countless trips over the past year and planning more. This girl is happy. This girl has fallen in love with her best friend and has become a better person for it.
And in the words of Andy Dufreese, circa Shawshank Redemption...either get busy living or get busy dying.
