Yes, I am legit in saying this. In my mind, I was Britney Spears in a past life. Beyonce was my best friend. Miley Cyrus was my arch enemy. Do not try to discourage me in thinking this. Whenever my Ipod switches to "Womanizer" I feel as if this is the ultimate homage. But as many times as I have attempted to sing, I fail miserably. Inside there is this inner performer that wishes to break free, walk on stage scantily clad with a python wrapped around my neck while wearing 5 in heels. Like Britney Spears, I, too, am from small town USA where wearing cutoff Levi's, putting your kid on a leash is appropriate, and 17 year olds like Jamie Lynn have nothing better to do than get pregnant. While looking at Britney from this perspective, I should probably aspire to be more like Carrie Underwood, but she's sweet and wholesome and only sings of taking a Louisville Slugger to someone's car. Britney...is nuts. She broke out her entire career on the edge. She went from cute little Mickey Mouse Club and took the Catholic schoolgirl persona to a whole new level and parents questioned her, then busted out this red leather jump suit singing about the diamond from the Titanic. Miley tried to trump this buy posing naked in a magazine....well she did have a towel around her, but she still doesn't have it. She formally apologized for the image she portrayed. Britney and Christina have already been the once sweet, little Disney characters turned skanks of pop music, theres no place for you in this game of life Miley, so continue with your Hoedown Throwdown (which secretly I love). When Britney drove with her baby sitting in her lap, and bashed in K-Feds truck with a baseball bat, then shaved all her hair off, did she apologize..no! This is not One Republic, and there is no reason to apologize when everyone already knows your nuts. Can she actually sing, slightly, in the pop music world. She will never be able to sing with the likes of Aretha, singing with soul. Can she dance, slightly, in the I should have a stripper pole in my house and crawl across the floor with heavy black eyeliner/mascara duo swinging my wet wavy hair. As for me, I can only continue to dream.
Reasons this will never happen. I am tone death. Horribly tone death. As in, I make dogs cry. And I have no idea what pitchy means. I watch American Idol, and get confused when Randy always says pitchy, because I think the song sounded great. Is a falsetto a pitch, or a note in a song? I don't know the difference between a tenor and alto, except I know I am not a soprano. I learned this at Bible Camp, where half the girls could use this sweet little voice and hit soft high notes. I could not. I am not soft. Or Sweet. Nor can I dance. I am the epitome of white girl. The girl that in a club all the black girls talk about because she thinks she cool, and smooth on the dance floor, when in actuality all I'm doing is moving my hips in an obnoxious manner and rocking my head in a motion that makes me think I look sexy. What I do have, though, is stage presence. Granted, I have never been on a stage because some asshole would boo me off, or I would make a scene that is straight out of P.S I Love you and would fall off and break my nose. So I have deemed the inside of my 12 year old pick up truck as my stage, as well as, my bathroom with my bottle of hairspray as my microphone. I have fine tuned my facial expressions and know just when to put my arm in the air during the powerful part of the song and then bring it back to my chest with my fist and eyes closed. And, during an angry song how make my face mean and put the gusto behind the words. I have no ability to dress remotely close to Britney, except I do own cowboy boots. A. No body wants to see the extra baggage that is really going on. I don't wear tight form fiting clothing unless I have previously determined my baggage is well hidden. And yes, girls know how to hide their flaws. B. I have to strong of a friendship with JCrew and GAP and it is very difficult to skank up a cardigan. C. My mother would slap me.
So, when all is said and done, even though Britney is my homegirl, my lack of singing and skanky dancing ability enables Britney to retain the homecourt advantage. Plus, I'm not that physcotic....and not on mood stabilizer ... yet.
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