Really, who decided one day, "Hey, I think I'm just going to pick this little cabbage looking shrub out of the ground and eat away". Brussel sprouts are not the only food I feel such disdain towards. Mushrooms hit fairly high on that list as well. Gah, the thought that some divine individual felt the need to eat this little dirty object that has no smell, essentially no taste raw, and has a slimy texture when cooked....I still refuse to eat them cooked. Oyster as well.
Obviously, I have a complex about food. I am not picky but the texture and visual appeal of a food completely outweighs the actual taste. I didn't eat a mushroom until I was 22, avacado and sushi until 23, smoked salmon less than 3 weeks ago, and have refused to eat oysters since my mother shoved this slimy, steamed, vinegar covered, mucous that just fell out of my snotty kid nose looking object down my throat. Oh! The damage that one oyster did to me.In my mind, I remember her holding my nose and telling me to just eat, but she would claim I was willing...she lies, all mother distort facts about the tramatic moments from you childhood. I think it's mother code.. they have to. Ok, back to the snot....the feeling still sends shivers down my spine at the thought of cracking open this shell that can grow a beautiful pearl and sucking out the mucous. It bothers me that this same shell can harvest something that looks like snot and I have to eat. I'd almost rather swallow my own snot when I'm sick...ok, maybe that was excessive, but you see the point.
So, brussel sprouts. They are small, green objects, that closely resemble cabbage. They have 45 calories and 8g protien in six. A good source of fiber and all this other nonsense. But they are still these scary green objects. Movies, commercials, and tv shows instill a fear of these in younglings by always showing images of children feeding them to the dog or spitting them out in their napkin. And for me, that moment occured while watching America's Funniest Home Video's...the old school Bob Saget one with the bad voiceovers...where this redheaded girl with thick bangs was throwing her brussel sprouts in the trash and lying to her parents about them. I didn't know this girl, but I immediately identified with her and decided I would hate them as well. I, too, had a thick mange of red hair, and, at times, lied to my parents about my brothers; her and I were destined to be bff's. So, ultimately, I refused to come near them, or even acknowledge thier vegetable existense in the food pyrmiad. In my mind, they only existed in the vegetable equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle, where things go but never come back.
And then (insert the dun dun dun) three days ago, as I am leaving the gym, I decide make my way to the local Kroger, more vegetable friendly than Food Lion, in search of Spinach salad, avacodo, raw mushrooms, and cucumbers to make a quaint little dinner. I aquire the ingredients and begin perusing the aisles for other delicacies. I stumble upon the frozen vegetables, I lock eyes with this bag of Brussel Sprouts, I give it the stank eye, and I walk away. Then, I stumble upon another bag and we lock eyes again. In this split second, I decided to slip on my big girl, unnamed, non victoria secret panties and dive into the unknown abyss. Next thing I know, as if Satan overcame me, the scary baby cabbage is in my basket, being scanned, and then ...being paid for....with my own money.
So, here I am standing in my kitchen, with this bag of grossness, that I have no idea how to cook. I take the easy way....microwave. Someone should be playing the Rocky theme song right now. 7 minute countdown begins and movie quotes are running rampant in my head :
Minute 7: "man down, man down, run for cover"
Minute 6: "This is no democracy. It's a dictatorship. I am the law"
Minute 5: "Boobie traps"
Minute 4: "Someone didn't love you enough when you were little did they?"
Minute 3: "I may have been bad. I may have kept you chained up in that room, But it was for your own good."
Minute 2: down to the wire.
Minute 1: "The key to change is to let go of fear"
Minute 0: Ding
The life changing defining moment has come. I take the bowl out, disperse of the water, grab the salt and pepper determined these two seasoning can over power any terrible flavor. Stare, eye to eye, woman to sprout, and stick my fork into its center, close my eyes, suck in fast, open my mouth, refuse to breathe, chew, let all the flavors arouse themselves, and swallow. And now I can say TOTAL DOMINATION!
Now, for the culminating moment....brussel sprouts are this shit! ( w/o the salt and pepper they could have been bad, but I will never know) And how this changed my life....for so long this was the last food I adamantly refused to try, and now.... on my own, I have overcome my fear of baby cabbage.
I will never eat snot though. Or fried snot. Or stewed snot. Oyster's = snot. Forever.
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